| My World...Take Two | |||
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::I am 5.4.04 ( 23:37 ) * How is it possible to go through an entire day interacting with people, some of them people you love dearly, and not feel like you were actually with any of them? I'm pretty lonely right now. But sometimes God shows His love in unexpected ways. I sat down at the computer in my aunt's room to write this entry, wishing I had finished painting my room so I had someplace to go and cry in peace, and Ivy, our three year old black lab, crawled into my lap (yes, she is entirely too big to get away with that) while I was typing and just chilled with me, licked my cheek, but just cuddled with me, not being the hyperactive nuisance she normally is. Some days it hurts. Some days I find myself here, not knowing the words to say, just sighing and crying and not sure how I'd answer if someone actually asked me "how are you?", not "how's it going?" or "how's life?"...Sometimes the right question is all it takes and most of the time I'm discovering that the right question doesn't get asked. And some days I'm wondering if that's such a bad thing. I'm reading Leviticus now. And the first verse of the first chapter is "And the Lord called to Moses and spoke to him, saying" and I read this chunk of commentary by a Jewish rabbi that lingered on the fact that two verbs were used and the prepositional phrases attached to them ("called to Moses", "spoke to him") and the intimacy, the familiarity that it spoke of...I want that...and if being lonely so I run to God and ask Him to hold me is what it takes... Song of the Night (because of course such "deep" thoughts call for song lyrics...): Surrender By Marc James I'm giving You my heart and all that is within I lay it down for the sake of You my King I'm giving You my dreams, I'm laying down my rights I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life And I surrender all to You, all to You And I surrender all to You, all to You I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross And all the world holds dear I count it all as loss For the sake of knowing You For the glory of Your name To know the lasting joy Even sharing in Your pain And I surrender all to You, all to You And I surrender all to You, all to You ::Val:: 30.3.04 ( 12:24 ) * Transition. I'm moving, today and tomorrow. Only three streets away to move in with my aunt, to save money. Pip's moving, at the end of the month probably. 1700 miles away, to be with his family. I'll miss him. A friend is getting married this weekend. Jury's still out on whether or not any of us actually believe it's going to happen. I went out with some old friends last Thursday. It was unexpected. And nice. Very nice. But I'm moving, today and tomorrow, and I need to get myself packed. ::Val:: 24.2.04 ( 23:20 ) * Here I Am. I feel off and I don't know why. I've been hovering on the edge of tears for too many months now. I'm hurting and I don't feel like hiding it anymore. It's not Ron. It never has been. Praise God for giving me a man who desires to be my strength, who wants to hold me up when I'm weak, who lets me be weak with him when I'm too scared to show it to anybody else. No, it's not Ron. I'm doing that alone, hold everyone else at arms length thing again and I'm tired of it. It takes too much energy to keep all my barriers intact and I'm at a point in my life where energy is limited at best. I don't have any reserves left: Emotional, physical, financial...spiritual. I'm at my breaking point. Past it, really. I feel stripped, exhausted, bone tired. I don't feel enough and I don't know if I care. And I don't know why I started this entry at 11pm when I have to be up early tomorrow and I know I feel awful when I don't get enough sleep. Oh right, I promised to post and I finally screwed up what energy-courage I had to lay myself bare on the page. I'm in that transition place again. You think I'd be used to it by now. But I'm not. Where do I go from here? Where do I go from here? Song Of The Evening: Quiet (John Mayer) midnight lock all the doors and turn out the lights feels like the end of the world this Sunday night there's not a sound outside the snow's coming down and somehow I can't seem to find the quiet inside my mind 3:02 the space in this room has turned on me and all my fears have cornered me here me and my TV screen the volume's down blue lights are dancing around and still, I can't seem to find the quiet inside my mind daylight is climbing the walls cars start and feet walk the halls the world awakes and now I am safe at least by the light of day ::Val:: 20.2.04 ( 09:12 ) * Update Later. I promise. I've finally figured out (some of) what's going on in my head. ::Val:: 10.2.04 ( 17:43 ) * Update. I'm still alive. Still attempting to post and erasing. Lots of stuff going on here. A friend of mine (and Pip's sister) is engaged, getting married (in TX) in June and I'm in the wedding. I'm trying to hold steady in the midst of a lot of other junk going on right now. It's not always easy and not really worth it; I should learn to let go. The VSB is slowly breaking me of my habit of refusing to ask for help. No, self-reliance isn't always a good thing. And thank God that the VSB is patient even when frustrated. Anyway. I'm done for now. ::Val:: 2.2.04 ( 23:56 ) * Song Of The Moment: Seasons Of Love (from Rent) five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes how do you measure? measure a year in daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee, in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife in five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes how do you measure a year in a life? how about love? how about love? how about love? measure in love... seasons of love... seasons of love... (female soloist) five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes how do you measure the life of a woman or a man (male soloist) in truths that she learned or in times that she cried in bridges he burned or the way that she died (all) its time now to sing out though the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in a life of friends remember the love... (oh you gotta remember the love) remember the love... (oh yeah, its a gift from up above) remember the love... (sing out, give out, measure your life in looooooove...!!!) seasons of love... seasons of love... I'm still working on a "real" post, but I think this says a lot of what I'm thinking right now. ::Val:: 30.1.04 ( 23:08 ) * Silence. I tried again to sit down and blog about what's going on in my life. Not everything that has happened recently, just the highlights. I deleted it. Again. I'm not sure what's going on in my head right now. Just everytime I sit down to write, I hit this streak of major "attitude" for lack of a better word...like I said, this is my space, I'll express myself however I want, but that's not what I want. Even if the only reason why I'm reluctant to post in that voice is because I'm not sure what I have attitude about. So, I'll sit here, wait, listen. Try to figure out what's going on in my heart. Hopefully, I'll be back to post later... ::Val:: |
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