My World...Take Two

2004-04-05T23:37:00.000-04:00

How is it possible to go through an entire day interacting with people, some of them people you love dearly, and not feel like you were actually with any of them? I'm pretty lonely right now. But sometimes God shows His love in unexpected ways. I sat down at the computer in my aunt's room to write this entry, wishing I had finished painting my room so I had someplace to go and cry in peace, and Ivy, our three year old black lab, crawled into my lap (yes, she is entirely too big to get away with that) while I was typing and just chilled with me, licked my cheek, but just cuddled with me, not being the hyperactive nuisance she normally is.

Some days it hurts. Some days I find myself here, not knowing the words to say, just sighing and crying and not sure how I'd answer if someone actually asked me "how are you?", not "how's it going?" or "how's life?"...Sometimes the right question is all it takes and most of the time I'm discovering that the right question doesn't get asked. And some days I'm wondering if that's such a bad thing.

I'm reading Leviticus now. And the first verse of the first chapter is "And the Lord called to Moses and spoke to him, saying" and I read this chunk of commentary by a Jewish rabbi that lingered on the fact that two verbs were used and the prepositional phrases attached to them ("called to Moses", "spoke to him") and the intimacy, the familiarity that it spoke of...I want that...and if being lonely so I run to God and ask Him to hold me is what it takes...

Song of the Night (because of course such "deep" thoughts call for song lyrics...):

Surrender
By Marc James

I'm giving You my heart and all that is within
I lay it down for the sake of You my King
I'm giving You my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life
And I surrender all to You, all to You
And I surrender all to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear
I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You
For the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy
Even sharing in Your pain

And I surrender all to You, all to You
And I surrender all to You, all to You

2004-03-30T12:24:00.000-05:00

Transition.

I'm moving, today and tomorrow. Only three streets away to move in with my aunt, to save money.

Pip's moving, at the end of the month probably. 1700 miles away, to be with his family. I'll miss him.

A friend is getting married this weekend. Jury's still out on whether or not any of us actually believe it's going to happen.

I went out with some old friends last Thursday. It was unexpected. And nice. Very nice.

But I'm moving, today and tomorrow, and I need to get myself packed.

2004-02-24T23:20:00.000-05:00

Here I Am. I feel off and I don't know why. I've been hovering on the edge of tears for too many months now. I'm hurting and I don't feel like hiding it anymore.

It's not Ron. It never has been. Praise God for giving me a man who desires to be my strength, who wants to hold me up when I'm weak, who lets me be weak with him when I'm too scared to show it to anybody else. No, it's not Ron.

I'm doing that alone, hold everyone else at arms length thing again and I'm tired of it. It takes too much energy to keep all my barriers intact and I'm at a point in my life where energy is limited at best.

I don't have any reserves left: Emotional, physical, financial...spiritual. I'm at my breaking point. Past it, really. I feel stripped, exhausted, bone tired. I don't feel enough and I don't know if I care.

And I don't know why I started this entry at 11pm when I have to be up early tomorrow and I know I feel awful when I don't get enough sleep. Oh right, I promised to post and I finally screwed up what energy-courage I had to lay myself bare on the page.

I'm in that transition place again. You think I'd be used to it by now. But I'm not.

Where do I go from here? Where do I go from here?

Song Of The Evening: Quiet (John Mayer)

midnight
lock all the doors
and turn out the lights
feels like the end of the world
this Sunday night

there's not a sound
outside the snow's coming down
and somehow I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

3:02
the space in this room
has turned on me
and all my fears have cornered me here
me and my TV screen

the volume's down
blue lights are dancing around
and still, I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

daylight is climbing the walls
cars start and feet walk the halls
the world awakes and now I am safe
at least by the light of day

2004-02-20T09:12:00.000-05:00

Update Later. I promise. I've finally figured out (some of) what's going on in my head.

2004-02-10T17:43:00.000-05:00

Update. I'm still alive. Still attempting to post and erasing. Lots of stuff going on here. A friend of mine (and Pip's sister) is engaged, getting married (in TX) in June and I'm in the wedding. I'm trying to hold steady in the midst of a lot of other junk going on right now. It's not always easy and not really worth it; I should learn to let go. The VSB is slowly breaking me of my habit of refusing to ask for help. No, self-reliance isn't always a good thing. And thank God that the VSB is patient even when frustrated. Anyway. I'm done for now.

2004-02-02T23:56:00.000-05:00

Song Of The Moment: Seasons Of Love (from Rent)

five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure? measure a year

in daylights,
in sunsets,
in midnights,
in cups of coffee,
in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

in five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure a year in a life?

how about love?
how about love?
how about love?
measure in love...
seasons of love...
seasons of love...

(female soloist)
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure the life of a woman or a man

(male soloist)
in truths that she learned
or in times that she cried
in bridges he burned
or the way that she died

(all)
its time now to sing out though
the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in a life
of friends

remember the love...
(oh you gotta remember the love)
remember the love...
(oh yeah, its a gift from up above)
remember the love...
(sing out, give out, measure your life
in looooooove...!!!)
seasons of love...
seasons of love...

I'm still working on a "real" post, but I think this says a lot of what I'm thinking right now.

2004-01-30T23:08:00.000-05:00

Silence.

I tried again to sit down and blog about what's going on in my life. Not everything that has happened recently, just the highlights. I deleted it. Again. I'm not sure what's going on in my head right now. Just everytime I sit down to write, I hit this streak of major "attitude" for lack of a better word...like I said, this is my space, I'll express myself however I want, but that's not what I want. Even if the only reason why I'm reluctant to post in that voice is because I'm not sure what I have attitude about. So, I'll sit here, wait, listen. Try to figure out what's going on in my heart.

Hopefully, I'll be back to post later...

2004-01-28T23:59:00.000-05:00

the friday five Yes, I know it's Wednesday, back off.

In exchange for a deep, non-attitudey post, I present you with the Friday Five...

At this moment, what is your favorite...

1) ...song? This exact moment? I think I'm going to have to go with "Daughters" by John Mayer. I'll quote the lyrics, but don't hold your breath for an explanation of why "Daughters" just climbed the charts in the last ten minutes of my life...

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

I've done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hand
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh you see that skin
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys you can break
Find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong and boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth of a womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man, looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of the world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too
So mothers be good to your daughters too
So mothers be good to your daughters too

2) ...food? Hummus with pita bread and extra olive oil.

3) ...tv show? I know it's not a tv show, but the Strong Bad e-mails from HomestarRunner are my fav thing that "regularly" updates and is animated.

4) ...scent? Burberry Brit perfume. Great scent and it comes in a plaid bottle! Second runner-up is tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches on a snowy day.

5) ...quote? "I understand, Jazmine. I'm mixed too...I'm part black, part african, part negro and part colored...poor me, I just don't know where I fit in..." Huey from The Boondocks (and, honestly, if you were offended by that...never mind...)

So, there you have it. Friday Five on a Wednesday. And, if I get up early enough, maybe a real post tomorrow as well...

2004-01-28T23:43:00.000-05:00

Start and Stop. I was going to post tonight, but when I started writing, it started going very wrong. Lots of attitude. And not in a good way. And I'm not entirely sure where it was coming from. I have no problem expressing myself on my blog, after all this is my space, but I'm not entirely sure where *this* particular attitude was coming from, so I stopped. Erased it. Decided I would write again tomorrow when I could figure out exactly (or close enough) what I was trying to say...

P.S. My RSS feed is back on my LJ. There was no problem, it was just something very little having to do with the way I was updating this site.

2004-01-14T21:44:00.000-05:00

Pulled From My Friend's List. I pulled my RSS feed from my LJ list until I can figure out how to get the entries to post separately and not in one massive mess. Other people do it, I'm just going to have to do some reading to figure out how to modify my template to do it as well. Well, I added the RSS Feed to the list at Evolution anyway.

2004-01-14T14:59:00.000-05:00

Painless. It took me a total of forty-five seconds to get my RSS Feed set up. I followed the instructions exactly. I thought I would have to modify them or use brainpower or something, but I didn't.

Not yet, at least. The real challenge will come when I try to add my own blog to my friend's list on my LJ page. The last time I added an RSS feed all the posts came out in one massive block, pushing more recently updated entries from other sites off of the main LJ page and into the archives...if that happens, I'll have to see if I can figure out the source of the issue.

Anyway, fellow blogging friends add an RSS feed to your blog. It will make life easier (for me, at least).

Update. I added myself to my LJ friend's list. All my entries did show up over there, but since my blogger main page is only set to display the five (or seven? I don't remember) most recent entries, it isn't as big a deal as I thought it might be. We'll see what happens as other friends continue to post from their LJ throughout the day. As a random aside, there is the ability to post comments to an entry from the LJ site, but only people who access my blog from there will be able to read them. I feel accomplished. And hungry. It's definitely time for food.

2004-01-14T14:36:00.000-05:00

No Longer Frozen. If I had written an hour ago, before I had taken the hot bath which restored the feeling to my toes, this would have been a very bitter entry. Now, I'm simply disappointed and resigned. I specifically requested today (Wednesday) as my day off of work because I had a meeting at the church. But then, right after I got off the bus I found out that my presence wasn't needed. I wasn't slighted by this; I've been volunteering at my church for enough time that I know things change unexpectedly and everyone just needs to roll with the punches. I was upset because I had to wait 20 minutes in below zero weather to go back home. And because I deposited my paycheck late, so the money I needed to go to MCC and pay so I could register for classes hasn't cleared yet. Even clearing out the available funds in all of my accounts, I am about $100 short. I don't have to go to work until 11am tomorrow (and the money will clear this evening), so that would be the best solution, but I don't drive...Normally, my day off would be Thursday which would have solved all my problems, but since I was planning on having this meeting today...*shrug*...I was a lot pissier before my bath, because I was cold. Books and hot tea have a way of making the day seem much better. Even though I still don't know what I'm going to do about getting to MCC at a time when I have money and the office is open (before the deadline passes to register for classes).

Random Geek-Techy Blog News. I found a link on Wil Wheaton DOT net explaining how to create an RSS feed for Blogger users. It's a feature that's been needed for some time and was my original reason for switching to Live Journal for my writing journal (although, I'll stay there because I am really enjoying it and haven't run into any problems yet). I think later on, if I'm feeling a geeky-productive urge, I'll set it up on my blog. Maybe I'll convince some of the people who's blogs I read on the reg to set up their blogs on an RSS-feed as well, then I could just add them to my friend's list on my LJ. Anyway, I think I'll go now. I'm supposed to be getting some work done.

2004-01-03T00:41:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, Pip! Yots of hugs and yove shooting your way (yes-I realize it is now *past* your birthday, but I couldn't get into Blogger earlier. ooh, I could retropost but that would be cheating. Anyway.) Happy Birthday! yay forever!

himiny.

2004-01-01T16:04:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year. I wanted to make sure I posted before I forgot. :o) I went to church last night with Ron--lots of fun. Denis sung *a lot* into the mic, which is an amazing thing considering it was something he was struggling with back in August. It was great seeing him step out like that. Ron had to play at a jazz thing later (he had promised to jump in on bass whenever we were done with church), but I just came in to say "hi" and then I went home and to sleep...Ahh...sleep. I'm excited about the things this upcoming year has in store. Love my ungrammatical English. Talk to ya'll later. I need to go to the store for some juice.

2003-12-30T23:38:00.000-05:00

Last Thoughts. I love Ron, even when he calls me at 11:30pm to say "good night" (which is sweet and I appreciate) and I have a headache and I'm grumpy and waspish to him. I hope he realizes that.

2003-12-29T22:45:00.000-05:00

Last Thoughts. I had a nice little chat with my mother this morning. I'm in the process of writing a solid to-do list, so that I can get moving on my list of things I want ti happen this year. I'm technically not contagious anymore, a very good thing. So, it's back to work tomorrow. I don't know what schedule I'm supposed to be working: I am just assuming it's 9a-7p since it is another holiday week. If I am actually scheduled to work later than 9a, then I'll just go chill at Bruegger's with some coffee or something and write. And if I get off earlier, no biggie. I'm supposed to go over to Ron's house to discuss the music school with them.

My last thoughts were originally going to be something philosophical, but I guess that didn't happen. You want philosophical? Here, that is a philosophical musing written by yours truly. Enjoy.

2003-12-28T22:05:00.000-05:00

Decisions, Decisions. Started thinking about a few things that will be coming up this year...and about how I plan to accomplish them. Looks like I'm coming up on one of those major, "this *will* affect the rest of your year" decision times. I should call my mom, see if we can get together and chill tomorrow, because if I want to do some of this stuff, I'm going to have to move quickly.

2003-12-27T15:52:00.000-05:00

Quarantined. I have strep. I am now on antibiotics, but you have to take two full days of them before you are not contagious any longer. So, I am at home. I have energy and my roomie is visiting a friend out of town, so I am cleaning. Cleaning and keeping one eye on IM because I'm watching a conversation with friends. And I'm listening to music, John Mayer (Room For Squares) because it's good for cleaning and I don't want to go look for my Temptations cds (which are even better for cleaning).

2003-12-26T22:27:00.000-05:00

My 2004 (non-writing) Resolutions.

*Get organized. Stay organized.
*Be a better friend.
*Run a sprint distance triathlon.
*Get my driver's license (and a car).
*Grow.

2003-12-26T22:24:00.000-05:00

Finally...My MayFly Project 2003 Entry.

re-learning me:

i love ron

ukraine
new job
puppets!
started school
learned my limits
broke through

waiting for a ring

2003-12-16T22:47:00.000-05:00

Getting Into The Groove So, the anti-social bit of me that I was stressing about a couple of months ago (October 4th, for the archive hounds) has receded for a bit. I had a really nice night at a x-mas party tonight and there were lots of people there (along with lots of really good food). I talked to various friends for a bit, went downstairs and watched "Finding Nemo" with a bunch of the kids for a bit, and played Catchphrase with a *really* mixed group of people. Had a fun night. I also danced at the church on Sunday night: first time I have done a choreographed dance for an event like that in a while. I really enjoyed myself. And I get to do it again this Sunday at church. I'm working on a lot of stuff...I'll probably post some New Year's Resolutions sometime next week and I have to do the "sum up my year in twenty words or less" thing from the Mayfly Project. Time to think about what the last year has really held for me...

2003-12-07T22:54:00.000-05:00

Almost A New Year. Last December, I was sick and having back spasms, re-discovering who I was, raving about Lord Of The Rings, remembering why I love this city, discussing the possibility of "something more" with a friend. This December, I'm sick and having back spasms, trying to stick true to who I am, re-watching the Lord Of The Rings (extended DVDS...with commentary!), loving this city more and more (aside from my longings to travel which are very different from last year's desire to pick up and run), and am most definitely in the middle of "something more" with my VSB. The more things change, the more they stay the same...

I was talking to the VSB a little bit ago about my lack of a girl friend who is mine. I realize that sounds awfully possessive, but there's no one I can think of who I am comfortable enough with to tell anything. I've been doing this loner thing for so long that I don't know if I even remember what it's like to truly have a best friend. Ron's always there for me, but sometimes I just want a girl to talk to, and I feel like I have to spread myself out over five or six people in order to share everything I want. I just want someone to know me. That's my prayer right now: someone (a girl!) who I can know and who will know me...

Meanwhile, I was asked to dance for the Christmas concert at church next week and I said "yes". I haven't danced for an event for church in a while (except for the stuff with the kids dance team last year and that doesn't really count); it feels good...feels right this time, not the pressure of "I can't say no" that I got sucked into a while ago. I'm actually really excited about it.

So...that's me right now: remembering who i was, realizing who i am, reaching for who i will be...lonely for a girl friend, but completely in love with my VSB (*waves at Ron, who might be reading this since I know he has the addy now...*)

I've got this whole tension thing going on right now, being pulled in separate directions but holding steady in the center...

2003-12-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

Procrastinate Much?

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Morpheus, from "The Matrix." You
have strong faith in yourself and those around
you. A true leader, you are relentless in your
persuit.

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hmm...not so sure about the whole Morpheus thing...(especially because they spelled pursuit wrong: i could change it in the code, but i think my point is made so much better if i leave it that way)...

2003-12-02T22:05:00.000-05:00

Changes.

On The Blog. I trashed my comments. No real reason behind it, except they aren't used often enough to make them useful or relevant to this blog. Eventually, I'll set up an e-mail address that will be listed off in the sidebar, so if anybody has a burning thought, they can send it to me directly rather than leaving it out in the open. I also pulled the link to my writing blog because I don't use it anymore. I didn't delete the blog or anything--It's still sitting there, it's just defunct.

With Me. I'm having some issues physically. Back problems mostly. It's kept me off the computer for awhile and I ended up dropping my first semester in school. I'm sure there's some other stuff I should discuss to, but I'll have to wait until I get a better handle on myself. Maybe I'll post something a little more "serious" later.

2003-11-10T21:40:00.000-05:00

HAPPY 228th BIRTHDAY TO THE UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS!

I just wanted to make sure I posted that.

2003-10-29T22:37:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday To Me. I am 21. yay forever! I had to work all day today, but came home to spend some time with my roomie and I discovered that my step-father had built me Diego, my kick-butt new computer. yay forever! I'm rooting around on-line looking for a new desktop background; I don't have anything that seems permanent, but I have a fun CSI screensaver with Warrick Brown (Gary Dourdan) front and center on it. yay forever! I am having a good birthday, getting "I love you"s from all the people I care about, and that's what makes me happy. yay forever!

Okay. I don't think I can keep this up any longer. For those of you who are wondering, I've repeated "yay forever!" four times in the last paragraph for the sole purpose of making Pip squirm, since I *know* he can hear the tone that phrase is said in...right, Pip? But now I'm done.

himiny.

okay, for real this time, I think I'm gonna lay down and read my book now. Maybe I'll actually get back into the habit of updating this on the reg. bye for now. I'm 21. yay forever!

2003-10-04T23:58:00.000-04:00

Anti-Social. It definitely is not a word that I would have used to describe myself a couple of years ago. Now, I'm not so sure. Somewhere along the way I lost the part of myself that liked spending large quantities of time with other people. Maybe it's the stress of feeling like I have to put up a front for some people; I extended myself about things I cared about and was passionate in and got shut down. Maybe that happened one too many times. Or maybe, it's that sometimes I don't want to joke and I don't handle sarcasm well and even when I admit it, no one wants to take me at face value. I don't like being the butt of the joke. I never have. I'm tired of having to repeat myself. I don't know what happened along the way, but I misplaced my ability to keep other people out. I know this isn't always a problem, but I can't keep their emotionalness from bleeding all over me. Sometimes, I don't have the strength to keep my feelings seperate from theirs. Let's hear it for poor personal boundaries (mine). Or maybe it's too many inside jokes that I don't get and no one wants to explain. Maybe it's feeling like an outsider every time I go out. Maybe it's not wanting to deal with other people's passive-aggressive tendencies and manipulations; maybe I'm passive-aggressive and manipulative. Maybe I lost my ability to empathize and I just don't care. Maybe I'm being self-absorbed and whiny (go read someone else's blog).

Maybe it's because I've been having back spasms for the last three days and they show no sign of stopping.

Let's Hear It For John Mayer. Sarcastic. Quizzical. Promissory. Ironic. Searching. (That's the key for this song, New Deep.) Note: I'm not questioning God and I'm not a man, but the rest of this song fits pretty well *g*

I'm so alive
I'm so enlightened
I can barely survive
A night in my mind
I've got a plan
I'm gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time

Cause ever since I tried
trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
With my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it's been

Is there a God?
Why is he waiting?
Don't you think of it odd
When he knows my address?
And look at the stars
Don't it remind you just how feeble we are?
Well it used to, I guess

Cause ever since I tried
Trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
With my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it's been

I'm a new man
I wear a new cologne and
You wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed
I know what you'll say
"This won't last longer than the rest of the day"
But you're wrong this time

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
I'm over the analyzing
Tonight

Stop trying to figure it out
Deep will only bring you down
You know, I used to be the back porch poet with a book of rhymes
Always open knowing all the time I'm probably
Never gonna find the perfect rhyme
For 'heavier things'

2003-10-03T07:49:00.000-04:00

Wil Wheaton agrees with me. *g* He
::hearts:: October too.

2003-10-01T23:22:00.000-04:00

Finally, October. I waited up until after midinght this morning, just so I could have the satisfaction of knowing I made it through that month. I was going to post at 12:01 am, but I thought that might be obsessive...not really, I was just glad it was over. I made it through September; I'm on the other side and I only got sick once, had one breakdown and cried myself to sleep a couple of times.

Yes, I count that as a triumph.

No, I'm not looking for pity.

This post is for me; I don't really care what anyone else thinks of it.

Anyway... NaNoWriMo is open for sign-ups. My room looks like a disaster area, worse than normal. I have a headache, and I need to go eat, but...Thank God, it's October.

2003-09-29T22:34:00.000-04:00

Almost Over. September is an awful month. I think next year, I'm going to go to bed on August 31st and not get out until October 1st. Maybe I should just rip the entire page out of next year's calendar. I can't think of too many good things about September right now (except a good friend's birthday); it's full of the anniversaries of the deaths of people I care about. I've already had one total breakdown this month. I'm just glad that this month is almost over. *sigh*

In Other News. I'll be 21 in a month. *g* I might be piggy-backing on the server of an acquaintance, so I can get some webspace of my own. We'll see what happens...I'm planning to discuss it with him later on. I also might have to send the VSB to run off some boy who may not realize that I'm attached. Friendly does not mean interested. *sigh* I'm not encouraging him, so we'll see if he backs off. He hasn't done anything out of line (there's just a general feeling of "off"-ness), so I'd rather not cause his premature death. And Ron (the VSB) will kill him if I tell. So, I'll do my "back off" routine for a couple more days and see what happens.

2003-09-26T09:46:00.000-04:00

Not Just My Period. Apparently, the sickness and general state of suckyness, I;ve been feeling all week wasn't all period-related. I have some nasty stomach-intestinal thing, that's screwing me up big time. I had to call in sick...Ick. I *hate* calling in sick. I always think my manager is going to start ranting, and throwing things, and hate me forever...but she was understanding and asked me to call later with news about whether I'll be able to make it in tomorrow...

2003-09-25T19:49:00.000-04:00

NaNoWriMo It's almost that time of year again. I just signed up to be a municipal liason for my region. *g* That should be fun...It will be incredibly amusing at any rate; I won't endure the insanity alone! If you've ever wanted to write a novel, get off your duff, and do it this November. [More details to follow after 1 October when the site officially opens for business].

2003-09-21T23:13:00.000-04:00

Eating My Words. Apparently, I spoke to soon when I mentioned that life was settling down and that I was starting to get time to think about accomplishing other things (like writing). I miss it. But I still don't even have time outside of work, school, and puppets yet...I'm working on it, but...Anyway, I'm tired and I have my period so I'm cranky/whiny and I'm tired...

Did I mention I was tired?

2003-09-19T08:12:00.000-04:00

Ahoy there, mateys! Today be Talk Like A Pirate Day! Yarr! And in honor o' t'occasion t'posts today be written in Pirate!

My mates (lads and beauties alike) down t'coast in t'Carolinas and Virginia be checkin' in t'say they be hale after t'hurricane. Land lubbers t'lot of them, but "Hale I be" be t'sweetest music to me ears today. 'Course now Isabella be headin up north, t'me neck o' t'woods, we be prepared for t'wind and t'rain but we ain't shiverin' in we timbers. A bunch o' sea dogs we be.

I be havin' an interestin' time at t'job. Yesterday be a day and nothin' more. I be tired and sore, but I be able t'rest on Sunday. Yarr! I be fittin' t'shove from t'dock, so, me buckos, I be leavin'. May t'lady of t'sea be smilin' on you t'day.

2003-09-18T23:41:00.000-04:00

Talk Like A Pirate Day - September 19 I'm tired, so more about this tomorrow when my whole post will be in Pirate. *grin* get ready...

2003-09-16T18:33:00.000-04:00

I Am Woman. Hear Me Roar... I was feeling very empowered; I single-handedly wrestled my dinosaur of a desk from my bedroom into the living room. Single-handedly. Including turning it on one side and manuevering it through my narrow door. I pulled the new (to me: inherited from my roomie) computer desk into my room, re-set up my computer (I even banished my VSB, who showed up somewhere in the middle of this, to the living room). I had everything plugged in, triumphantly turned it on while patting myself on the back for my success. And the ethernet hub that connects my computer to my roomie's starts smoking. Joy. I plugged in the wrong power supplies. All the numbers were the same except for the last one...I didn't know! So, the ethernet port is dead. I have to buy my step-father a new one. But I used the USB to plug myself in and the ethernet to plug in Skip and did it straight from the DSL modem, so we're both still on-line.

But now my room smells like scorched circuitry.

2003-09-13T07:23:00.000-04:00

Getting Back To Myself. I'm actually starting to think about other things besides work and school now. I feel like I've been in basics survival mode for the last couple of weeks which means a lot of things which are essential to my well-being, but don't get me paid (yet) or good grades, got shoved under the rug for a bit. Like writing, I haven't gotten any real words down on paper for a while now and that hurts. Anyways, NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) is coming up in November and I'd like to have my current Work In Progress done by then...we'll see. Anyway, right now, I'm totalyy procrastinating on getting ready for a work, so I best get that done.

2003-09-05T07:53:00.000-04:00

Tired. A lot is going on this week. I'm settling into the new job this week; I'm really enjoying the new job, but full-time hours are something I still have to get used to. And school started this week. I couldn't afford to buy books until yesterday and writing that check *hurt*. I'm happy to be in school though, but this first week is murder getting into a schedule. I haven't seen the VSB for almost a week, but we talk almost every night. And C. loaded me up with a list of stuff to accomplish by *Monday*...I knew that it was coming but I've told her repeatedly that I was starting school this week, so I needed the information earlier. I stood firm on one issue though, I couldn't make it to the church to drop off some papers, and I refused to allow myself to feel guilty about it when she brought it up. I stood my ground. That's something new. Okay, I'm tired. Really tired. But it's time for me to go to work now.

2003-08-27T07:56:00.000-04:00

To Friendship Restored. I went out last night with an old friend; I categorize them as "old" only because we used to know every detail about each other's lives and then we drifted apart, didn't know anything real about each other for a very long time. Hopefully, that's changing. They're one of my favorite people and I miss having the conversations we used to have...they were "interesting", to say the least. Anyway, last night we talked. It was one of those giant arching conversations that manages to cover a lot of topics, some big, some little, but all dealing with who we were, who we are, and who we're becoming. It was a good night.

Anyway, one of the things I discussed was compromise. For far too long, I've let pieces of myself die. I've allowed myself to let other people declare that my essentials are inconsequential. I'm tired of that feeling. I'm tired of going to bed and realizing that I've killed another part of who I am. It's not going to happen anymore. I'm me and I'm not going to apologize for it anymore. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say. I know it will come up again at a later point, so I'm not exactly worried about getting it all right now. ::sigh::

2003-08-15T17:12:00.000-04:00

Hehe.

Fight Club!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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2003-08-08T00:32:00.000-04:00

How Am I?

I've had people (friends who expect more than a flippant answer) asking me that for the last week. And I don't really know how to answer that because, honestly, there's so much crap going on right now that I don't know where to start. There's also the truth that some people who ask me how I'm doing have no right to a real answer on *any* topic about my well-being. They ask me out of a sense of duty and get hurt when I play word games, but that's how it is when you're a lukewarm friend. I have enough issues just trying to get the words out; I'm not going to waste them on someone who left me when I needed them, and ignored me when I tried to open myself to them. I'm tired and it hurts and I'm not going to let people walk on me like that anymore. I'm not going to do that.

Meanwhile, I love the VSB. And he loves me. Good things. But I have to bring up a lot of family issues that I try my best to pretend never happened and I'm scared about it. I know he loves me, he wants to marry me, I'd never doubt him. However, there's this little niggling voice telling me that I'm carrying entirely too much baggage and it's not fair to him. I know he loves me. I know it. And I love him. But I'm so screwed up and he's got to know about *everything*.

A friend mentioned that I haven't done any in-depth blogging in awhile. My blog exists for me and me only. If someone else reads it, great for them, but I don't care. I'm happy with what I've posted. For once, I actually know who I am and I'm content. I'm content living in this city and being with my VSB and writing and being true to me. And part of me means that I babble. It's not nonsense and it's not superficial; the stuff I ramble about cuts through everything that I am, it's like a slice of me laying on the page. And if you don't or can't read between the words, {shrug} it's not my problem. (I'd like to point out that this paragraph wasn't actually directed at that person; you just happened to trigger that train of thought).

The song I posted a couple of days ago (it's by Lauryn Hill, I forgot to mention that) is still very true.

2003-08-03T14:38:00.000-04:00

Last Day. Today is my last day at Ruby Tuesday. It's kind of weird to be leaving. I've been there for two years and it was my first *real* job. But I'm happy too. I don't like working in food service and that isn't something that's going to change.

2003-08-03T00:17:00.000-04:00

Revelations. People aren't always who they appear to be or who you believe they are. Learned some interesting things about a few writers (from the Forward Motion site I frequent) today. It was one of those times I wish I had that mind eraser pen thing from Men In Black. I'd especially like to erase one particular bit of knowledge. Not sure what to say right now. Except this whole appearances/reality issue holds true in more areas of my life than just on-line.

2003-08-01T01:01:00.000-04:00

Just Want You Around.

I just want You around
I just want You around
I just want You around
I just want You around

Thought that I had lost You
I can hardly make a sound
When I thought I couldn't hold You
Knew the world had let me down
Should have took the time to tell You
You keep my feet on the ground
I hope that You can hear me
Cause I know its not profound

I just want You around
I just need You around
I just want You around
I just need You around

When I thought I was without You
I got used to being down
It was my fault I used to doubt You
But that aint me next time around
Please believe me when I tell You
Cause all my words are bound
This is my cross now let me bare it
I was lost but now I'm found-found-found

I just want You around
I just need You around
I just want You around
I just need You around

Took this love for granted
Kept my feelings underground
Should have watered what I planted
Should have known what I have found
I'm not used to being lonely
I don't like the way it sounds
You're the only one I know-yeah
Who don't turn my upside-down

I just want You around
I just need You around
I just want You around
I just need You around
Yeah I want You around
I just need You around .......

2003-07-30T10:27:00.000-04:00

Physical: Slightly Improved. This morning, I'm feeling a little better. I realized that I'm not going to have a substantial decrease in the amount of pain I experience on a day-to-day basis for at least six weeks. I cannot do another shift at Ruby's in that amount of pain. And, chances are, if I stay at Ruby's, then I would have to: physical therapy and my exercise at home will be very helpful in the long run, but short term, I'm exhausted and my knees are on fire after just one set. Finally, got in touch with the woman at LA. The training date got pushed back (this was my original reason for considering staying at Ruby's), but it's not going to affect me at all. They finagled things with the Powers-That-Be to allow me to start on Monday and just shadow people. Presto! I have a new job and it's one that allows for more sitting than standing...now, I have to officially tell my managers at Ruby's that there is no way I'm staying and it's because of my knees. Today, officially starts my last week at work. I'll be working the next five days straight, then starting at LA on Monday. I'm gonna be exhausted, but I need the money, so...

Mental: Greatly Improved. Getting all the stuff with the job taken care of takes a huge load off of my back. I'm still broke though, so that's a bit of a stress. But I also talked with my cousin last night. We made plans to get together tonight and play Chess. I need to get back into practice (especially because the VSB was boasting about not being beaten in ages). Originally, we were going to go out for coffee, but I had plans for when she wanted to hit Java's, so chess it is. There are also some other plans in the work, but I don't know what's going on yet, so I don't want to spill details prematurely.

2003-07-29T20:31:00.000-04:00

Tired. I had a doctor's appointment this morning at 9. He pumped my legs back and forth, wiggled my kneecap around, poked looking for the tender spots (they indicate where I retain fluid). I was expecting it, he has to do all that for a diagnosis, but...by 10am, my knees were as sore as they would be if I had danced an entire day without my knee braces on. And I still had to go to work. It was not a good day. I picked up my prescription strength Motrin and it's NOT MAKING A DENT. I'm a little hostile right now. Wait. Forget a little. I hurt so bad. So bad. I cannot deal with this right now. I cannot deal with this right now.

2003-07-28T10:39:00.000-04:00

I'm Still Here. Life is generally good. Ruby's wants to keep me *bad*, they're offering me some very nice incentives. It's nice to feel wanted. My knees are acting up though and I don't know if serving (being on my feet for an entire shift on a floor that I'm pretty sure is laid directly on to concrete) is the cause. I'm wearing both knee braces to walk in comfort now: The adjustable with the steel side stays on my left knee and an open patella normal slip-on on my right knee. It's not fun. I tried doing some of the tests my doctor did to originally diagnose my knee troubles (this was six years ago). I fell on to the ground before I was even low enough to dignify what I was doing with the title "squat"; I didn't even try to duck walk. I just realized I was squatting and duck walking (and walking in general) fine when I was in the Ukraine. That was only a couple of weeks ago, what's happened since then? Knee pain sucks! (As Pip so eloquently put it. p.s. Pip- I don't want to see my off-color remark make it on to my blog comments...all right?) The VSB and I are doing well. *insert cheesy grin* Vanguard's coming up. And I've got a month left before school and puppets gear up full-time. I've got a doctor appointment tomorrow morning...ick...until then, I'm off to dose myself with more Ibuprofen and ice my knees.

2003-07-19T17:56:00.000-04:00

Two Weeks Notice. I'm home. I went back to work on Monday; on Tuesday, a woman asked me if I'd be interested in working for her. I went to an interview on Thursday, got offered the job. It's Saturday and I just gave notice at Ruby's. It's kind of scary, but I think this is a good choice for me.

2003-07-03T08:34:00.000-04:00

Real Life Castles. We went to a castle here in Mukachevo: It was over a 1000 years old! I got a lot of really nice pictures. Our training session yesterday went very well. The puppeteers here are very eager to learn. It is a great experience working with them. I am trying hard to learn the Cyrillic alphabet; I don't like not being able to sound out street signs and figure out where I am. The food here is great! The ice cream is absolutely delicious! I'm having a really good time; everyone is very friendly. I don't have time to write more, so I'll try to fill in the details when I have a chance.

2003-07-02T09:34:00.000-04:00

Ukrainian Update 1. I find it very amusing that I never mentioned that I was leaving for the Ukraine on this blog. Well, I left for the Ukraine and I am updating at the Internet Cafe down the street from our hotel in Mukachevo. This is a gorgeous city- it's in the Carpathian Mountains. We're teaching our first puppet training session tonight; everything arrived safely (praise God!). Everyone is so friendly here; I'm sitting with a girl named Natasha (she's just a year older than me) who is going to be one of our guides. She speaks very good English (when I wrote that, she started pointing at the screen saying "no!") and she learned it all out of a book (imagine that!). I'm embarassing her, so I'll stop writing about her while she's sitting right next to me. Continue praying for me. I should be able to update regularly because the Internet Cafe is so close to where we are staying.

2003-06-27T01:55:00.000-04:00

+1 Point For The New System. My September 2002 archives are showing up on the site again. They haven't been listed for at least four months now and, while I could get to them if I manually entered the address, I couldn't get them to repost. Yay!

2003-06-27T01:53:00.000-04:00

Clean. I completely cleaned out my room today; it's organized and everything. I'm proud of myself. :-) I only have a couple things left to do (pulling out my bed, my closet), but for the most part I'm done. Always nice. Have some stuff to take care of in the rest of the house after I get some sleep, but I'm done for right now.

I've also been switched over to the new blogger set-up. Once I got rid of the *bright* yellow sidebar, I like the new color scheme. Not entirely sure how I feel about everything else yet, I'll need to play with it for a couple of days.

I'm tired. I leave for the Ukraine on Monday and there is *so* much stuff left to do. Ick. Pray for me. And pray that my glasses come in before I go (getting them tomorrow, or rather today, would be marvelous). I don't know what I'll do without them. Good night.

2003-06-04T21:59:00.000-04:00

Paw. On Monday, a glass at work basically exploded in my hands and cut my right hand. I now have three stitches; it's Worker's Comp though which is great. Plus, my manager who was formerly employed as a nurse happened to be eating in the restaurant, so he took care of me until I could get to the hospital. It's annoying and sometimes I hurt myself trying to do more that I am able to do.

And Pa. Also on Monday, my Dad randomly drove up to see me. He was in DC for Uncle Skippy's 25 year wedding anniversary (they renewed their vows). It was a really good night, not stressful at all. We had a really good conversation about school and my decision to stay in Rochester and his decision to attend seminary and financial planning (I've got a little bit of money coming to me when I turn 21).

Two Of A Kind. (Dad also taught me how to play poker) I hooked up with my cousin, Nea, tonight. We haven't talked in awhile, but I saw her at Barnes & Noble and we ended up going out for coffee. We sat and talked for three hours. Nea and I are alike in all the important things and we can talk to each other about a lot of stuff that we would never discuss with anyone else. It was a good conversation; we bounced a lot of ideas off of each other. It really was a good time.

2003-05-22T19:56:00.000-04:00

Solid. I'm feeling pretty good about life right now. It's a nice feeling. I've got some big decisions to make in the next couple of weeks. It's stuff that will impact what my September 03 to August 04 will look like: School, Living Arrangements, stuff like that. However, I'm not stressed about it which is a nice change from my life the past couple of months...

2003-05-19T23:07:00.000-04:00

Update. The VSB and I had a nice little chat Friday night, so everything is straightened out. I got my hair relaxed yesterday, so the inch and a half of new growth on my head is gone. And the past couple of days have been good ones in general. It's always nice when that happens. Well, I'm sleepy. Here's hoping to another good day tomorrow.

2003-05-15T16:39:00.000-04:00

Relationship Maintenance. Fortunately, the VSB is just as committed to working out any misunderstandings between us as I am, so everything should (hopefully) be resolved shortly. We have normal healthy conflict resolution skills (at least, mine are normal when I'm dealing with him *grin*), unlike some of the horror stories I hear about my co-workers' psychotic boyfriends. Restraining order anyone?

2003-05-12T08:21:00.000-04:00

Interesting. I talked to my step-sister, Charlene, for the first time ever. It was a really awful connection, she needs a new mobile service provider. Desperately. And we discussed family history with my grandmother, she was full of some really interesting stories. Yesterday was a really good day. Totally not the drag I thought it was going to be.

2003-05-12T08:17:00.000-04:00

You are the Low-Fidelity All-Star. You were born
with your cool, and it's totally natural. You
run the gamut from Hipster Supreme (only they
can ingest as much coffee as you) to the geeky
hipster (Mario Kart, anyone?).

What Kind of Hipster Are You?
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Yeah, that's totally me. But I've been good about the coffee lately...well, until I get to work anyway. ;-)

2003-05-09T19:55:00.000-04:00

Quoting Wil: "This could be a hoax, but it's great reading regardless."

The jury's still out on how true I think Isabella's story is, but she's sure putting in a lot of work to make it feel authentic if it isn't. And Wil's right, it's a marvelous read.

P.S. [drool] I saw X-Men2 on Sunday...[/drool]

2003-04-19T23:52:00.000-04:00

Words Of The Day.
avoid: to stay clear of, shun
stress: a mentally or emotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occuring in response to adverse external influences and capable of affecting physical health, usually characterized by increased heart rate, a rise in blood pressure, muscular tension, irritability and depression
change: a transformation or transition from one state, condition or phase to another

[with thanks to Dictionary.com for the definitions]

2003-04-10T08:47:00.000-04:00

Night Out. We're celebrating one of my co-worker's promotions to Manager (she leaves for the Syracuse restaurant tomorrow), so everyone from work is getting together at another co-worker's apartment. It should be fun. Those of us girls who have to go to work the next morning are just going to sleep over, so that we can help clean up. I have other things to blog about, but I don't really feel like baring it all yet. :-)

2003-04-09T09:28:00.000-04:00

Pip have you seen this yet?

2003-04-05T16:31:00.000-05:00

Done. Did the bathroom (didn't find the mop until about an hour ago, so I just wiped the tile with this spray stuff we have; I also had an "argument" with the shower curtain after I washed it-it is hanging back up again so I'm pretty sure I won), the front room, the living room, the kitchen (the drain's still clogged despite my best attempts with the other half bottle of Draino). Started on my bedroom, but ran out of steam. I just made it tidy enough where I wasn't embarassed to have the door open-->all my junk's still in bins from when my bed collapsed and I moved stuff out, so it could be fixed. The plan was to unpack them and re-organize but that can wait until Monday. I was going to take a nap, but I'm going out instead.

2003-04-05T11:40:00.000-05:00

Productivity. Surfed on-line for a bit, read for a bit, finally decided that since it's the beginning of April I might as well be productive and get spring cleaning out of the way. w00t! Spring cleaning, what fun! And a ludicrous name considering the sheets of ice coating our city at the moment. OH well...it's actually a perfect day for it, except for the fact that I can't open windows and have fresh springtime air waft through the house...

2003-04-05T10:46:00.000-05:00

Ice Storm Revisited. My county declared a state of emergency last night, whole neighborhoods have no power, trees are down. I had to cancel my kids dance team rehearsal scheduled for today and will now proceed to lounge around in my pajamas drinking tea and reading MegaTokyo. Or maybe I'll re-read some books. I've got options.

2003-04-01T23:22:00.000-05:00

Aftershocks: "a further reaction following the shock of a deeply disturbing occurence or revelation" (definition courtesy of Dictionary.com). Yesterday was bad. I had a direct confrontation with C., one that ended with her pulling rank on me and me telling her that I'd run things her way but if the outcome wasn't what she expected than it was her own fault. And that sentence doesn't even begin to explain the horror that yesterday was. I don't even feel like getting into it; I'm completely exhausted. Exhausted and not-caring enough that people at work picked up on it and I rarely bring my personal baggage with me to work. I just didn't have the energy to care about the vibe I was giving off. I still don't care.

2003-03-26T19:46:00.000-05:00

Accomplishment. I switched the cable around when I got home from work today and I set up the rolling drawers I got from Walmart. So, I've done two tasks already. Admittedly, they took me a total of fifteen minutes but they've been bugging me (especially that whole cable thing; that's been an issue for awhile). So, two things down. I can do this.

2003-03-26T09:39:00.000-05:00

Dead Squirrels. There was a frozen pile containing five of them on our lawn when the snow finally melted. It was gross. Really gross. Fortunately, the VSB disposed of them for us one night; I cheered him on from a safe distance. Part of the frame on my bed broke, so I've been sleeping in the living room lately until I have the time/energy to fix it. I'm also taking this time to re-organize my room, so everything is in bins at the moment. Today's project is (finally!) shifting the network cable that winds its way through most of the house. I'm doing all right. Issues still abound-but I'm coping.

2003-03-24T15:46:00.000-05:00

Good Day, So Far. There's not much else to say. Except I'm really disturbed by the fact that there are now captured American soldiers in Iraq.

2003-03-22T07:22:00.000-05:00

Good Morning. Up before 8am (at 6:30ish really) on a Saturday morning. There has to be a rule against that somewhere. There has to be. Especially when it's your one day off. Oh well.

2003-03-21T08:37:00.000-05:00

The Friday Five. Look! I'm doing it two weeks in a row on Friday! This must be some kind of record.

If you had the chance to meet someone you've never met, from the past or present, who would it be? Condoleeza Rice from the present.

If you had to live in a different century, past or future, which would it be? Hmm...I'm not really sure about this one. Not really sure about this one at all. I'm actually pretty happy with the time I'm living in right now.

If you had to move anywhere else on Earth, where would it be?
Morocco. Or the southern coast of Spain, so I could ferry to Morocco whenever I wanted.

If you had to be a fictional character, who would it be? Mary Russell from the Mary Russell and Sherlock Holmes mysteries by Laurie R. King. She's very cool. And a genius. Or Raven from the latest trilogy by Jessica Hall. She's got major attitude.

If you had to live with having someone else's face as your own for the rest of your life, whose would it be? I think Halle Berry because she's stunning. And if you have to have somebody else's face, it might as well be a good one.

2003-03-19T18:15:00.000-05:00

Coping With Food. Okay, so maybe it's not the healthiest thing in the world. But having a half gallon of good ice cream (in this case Edy's Girl Scout Thin Mint Ice Cream) in the freezer can mean the difference between breakdown and making it through one more day. :-)

2003-03-18T00:12:00.000-05:00

Happy Saint Patrick's Day. Late, but it's the thought that counts. And practice tonight wasn't the screaming horror I expected. Not great but okay. I'll take what I can get.

2003-03-17T16:31:00.000-05:00

The statement "Even less glad to be going to puppets later today" from my previous blog has been changed to "Would gladly slam my fingers repeatedly in a car door than go to puppets tonight". Does that give you any hint to how frustrating the telephone conversation with C. was today? And for double the fun M. hopped on the line after she was done. I called them as I was walking home and I almost started crying while I was on the phone on the street in the middle of the city surrounded by people...that's how bad that phone call was. And maybe I'd be able to have a nice, healthy conversation about how I feel and how we could work to have a better relationship if I thought I'd be able to speak without having C. make me feel like I'm 3 years old! Because that's exactly how every conversation with them has been lately. Every single freaking one.

2003-03-17T08:39:00.000-05:00

Morning. I'm glad to be home. Glad my roomie's home. Not really glad to be going to work today. Even less glad to be going to puppets later today.

2003-03-16T20:44:00.000-05:00

[frustrated groan]

Transcript: Aaaah! Okay, maybe that wasn't exactly the way I wanted to inaugurate this whole audio blogging thing, but...if you're typing you can't exactly do "frustrated groan" in brackets, it leaves a little something to be desired. But I'm...a little, well actually a lot pissed off right now, I am not in a good mood and, hopefully, maybe this time I'll actually be able to deal with it and have a nice, healthy discussion with the person who is not getting me in this good mood. But, anyways...audio blogging. Sounds cool. This has possibilities, one being able to "frustrated groan" and scream whenever I want. I don't really have much else to say, except for: I love Skip for being willing to take the time to pray with me today. All right. This is Val and this is my first audio blog. Love it.

2003-03-14T16:29:00.000-05:00

Friday Five. Wow , I haven't done this in awhile. It's been even longer since I'e done one of these when it was actually Friday...

Do you like talking on the phone? Why or why not? I use the phone when it's necessary, but I'm definitely not a big fan of it. There are two reasons I can think of for this. One is that I'm a tactile person. I like to have the option of touching someone when I'm speaking with them. I've supressed that instinct a lot in the past couple of years, but the urge to use touch as punctuation is still there and I get antsy when I have no way of doing it. The second reason is that I read people's body language. I'm not very good at telling how I should respond to someone from their voice alone. It makes me really uncomfortable.

Who is the last person you talked to on the phone? My aunt Melissa. I'm still locked out, so she is taking me to Walmart, so I can buy provisions for the weekend. She had errands to take care of, so I'm supposed to call her back..

About how many phones do you have at home? I have a cordless in my bedroom and Skip has a cordless in the little nook outside her bedroom. And we each have a cell phone.

Have you encountered anyone who has really bad phone manners? What happened? Yes, I have. I try to get off the phone as quixly as possible, but I won't (normally) say anything about it. My mother on the other hand willgive them a full lecture on exactly what they're doing wrong and will have them practice until they improve. I think she considers it a God-given duty.

Would you rather pick up the phone and call someone or write them an e-mil or letter? Why or why not? I'd have to go with the letter or e-mail. I like writing. I think I express myself better in written format than I do on the phone with someone; it gives me more time to think of appropriate responses. I prefer the permanence of anything written (both as a keepsake and as proof of what you said) over the "in-and-out" of a phone call. I'm also more likely to express my emotions and what I'm really feeling in a letter or e-mail. I learned to block off speaking about things I don't want to discuss ages ago.

That's all for now, kiddies. I've got to call my aunt back. :-)

2003-03-14T13:23:00.000-05:00

Best Friends. Means that when you are stupid enough to lock yourself out of the house and your roommate has gone out of town for the weekend and neither of you have given anyone an extra key to the apartment (even though it's been on your to-do list for weeks now) and you can't get in touch with your landlord, you can call her mother (because your best friend is in New England somewhere this semester) and sleep over at their house and when your best friend calls home in the morning, she's completely cool with the fact that you're sleeping in her bed and offers (what's left of) her closet for you to raid for clean clothes since of course you wear the exact same size in clothes and shoes... :-)

2003-03-02T23:52:00.000-05:00

Compatible. I realized tonight just how differently the VSB and I attack certain issues. I also realized tonight that that's not a bad thing at all. We stretch each other's perspectives and that's a good thing.

2003-02-28T08:48:00.000-05:00

While I am sure you will all join me in expressing your unending joy that our upstairs neighbor also loves the movie Grease, I am sure that you will also agree that it is not necessary to hear her and two other girls hit the high note in Summer Lovin' (in (almost) perfect harmony with Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta) after midnight.

2003-02-25T21:10:00.000-05:00

Adventures. I'm in the process of helping the VSB enter the Information Age. Good times.

2003-02-22T22:38:00.000-05:00

Boundaries. I like to think I'm good with words and that when I say something, people understand what I mean. Apparently this is not true because I thought I made a certain thing clear to a certain person, but I guess not. Because they keep crossing a certain boundary I set up, I don't know if they're really just that naive (I was going to stay stupid) or if they just want to see if I'll ever decide to push back. I like to think that I've learned to control my temper, but I'm skirting dangerously close to snapping and showing them just how pissed I am.

2003-02-06T09:22:00.000-05:00

Still Ugh. My body feels pretty good. I have energy. But my throat still feels scratchy and if I talk too much (hard not to do when you're serving), I start to cough. Medication is a good thing. And I'm still planning on going line dancing tonight because it's too much fun to pass up. I watched Smokey Joe's Cafe at the VSB's house on Tuesday. It was a really fun show. It's playing at SOTA over the weekend, so we're going to go see it.

Because I (Don't) Care... And on second note, I'm not going to say the horribly caustic comment I was going to make. I'm pissed about a couple of things, but I like to think I'm above ripping people to shreds with my words now. Let me just say that some things haven't changed at all and a couple of things have even gotten worse. And I'm done letting it affect my life.

2003-02-04T10:41:00.000-05:00

Sick. I stuck out my tongue at myself in the mirror and noticed that my throat has shrunk to being about half an inch across; it's swollen and red and looks disgusting. I take three steps and my body counters by attempting to hack up a lung. My eyes water and itch and they have that tight look to them. My ear feels like someone stuffed an entire package of cotton balls down it (only it hurts more than I can ever imagine a pack of cotton balls hurting). My nose is so congested that I breathe out of my mouth, but my throat is so tender that it hurts. Fun day.

2003-02-01T01:55:00.000-05:00

Overwhelmed. Sometimes, I am blown away by the love and concern people demonstrate for me. Last night's chat with C. was one of those times. I am so grateful for the time I get to spend with her.

2003-01-27T09:37:00.000-05:00

Interesting Start. I've already left the house without my work clothes, turned back to get them, realized that I've also locked my keys inside the house. I then proceeded to wait for 30 minutes in the little alcove we have inside our front door, called my roommate to see if she could come from work and let me in the house, called work to tell them I'll be late (but I'll be on time because the VSB had a snow day and can take me to work), and had a nice 20 minute chat with my Mom while trying to stay warm...Why doesn't stuff like this happen in the summer? And I still have the whole day ahead of me...

2003-01-27T08:19:00.000-05:00

Hair Cut. I'm getting my hair cut after work today! Maybe I'll borrow Mom's digital camera and post a picture of it--but that's only if I have enough time before church, so no promises.

Dance Team. And tonight is the first night of the kids dance team that we're starting at church. So, I get to be prepared to answer all the questions of the parents. Fun... But I finally get keys today.

2003-01-20T22:30:00.000-05:00

Great Day. Had a breakfast date this morning with the VSB. He also gave me a rose (red!) and took me to work afterwards. And then, I went to see a movie (Drumline) with my mother after work; she also came over and fixed the temperature on our water heater (hot showers again!). Then, I talked to Kate on the phone and with Skip in person (apologizing again for my crass comment, Skip...). And now I'm getting ready to write...great day.

2003-01-18T13:25:00.000-05:00

www.howstuffworks.com is for the little kid who never stops asking "Why?"

2003-01-11T17:00:00.000-05:00

Loved Friends. Two of my absolute favorite people in the world are visiting me today. Can you imagine how absolutely thrilled I am? I bet you can't...

2003-01-07T09:27:00.000-05:00

Bad Night. I had one last night. However, surprisingly enough, it had nothing to do with not joining the Marine Corps. It caught me off guard because I haven't had a worry myself sick night in about a month now (that's sad isn't it? when a month between these things is considered a long time). It was rough, really rough. I'm not even sure how or when I managed to fall asleep; I was just very surprised this morning when my alarm rang; it woke me up rather than just surprising me in between one sob and the next. I'm attempting to shake it off this morning. It should go well: I have my Bible and a giftcard to Barnes & Noble... [grin]

2003-01-06T22:57:00.000-05:00

Different Lives. I realized today that in about two weeks I would have been leaving for Marine Corps boot camp. I'm happy that I'm staying in Rochester, really I am. But, honestly, I would have been just as happy as a Marine; I know myself well enough to say that. This is one of those times when I can actually see the two different paths my life could have taken, how one choice changed me forever...

2003-01-03T00:17:00.000-05:00

2002 In 20 Words. (Idea from the Mayfly Project.) Here we go:

wanted to run. stayed.
stopped dancing.
moved out. grew up.
wrote.
lived.
laughed. trusted. loved.
dancing for me this time.

2003-01-02T19:11:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year! A day late, but I've been busy. A lot has changed with me. A lot. I've finally managed to dig myself out of the funk that haunted my steps all throughout 2002. A funk which had me convinced I needed to pack up and leave Rochester immediately and, also, that I wasn't important to certain people in my life. The "must leave Rochester, now!" feeling is gone (thanks to re-connecting with some people who continually remind me exactly why I fell in love with this city in the first place) and the "I'm not important" bit is gone too. That's not necessarily due to those certain people making me feel anymore accepted, but because I have a friend who makes me laugh until I cry and is excited to see me every single time we're together. It's also gone because of the people previously mentioned who are always calling my phone, inviting me out and vetoing my "I'm not feeling social" responses. It's also gone because of other friends who've gone out of there way in the last couple of months to demonstrate to me just how much they love me. And, last but not least, there's a Very Special Boy involved who has had some very late nights the last couple of weeks in an effort to show me just how much he cares.

New Year's Resolutions. Be more responsible (in a lot of different senses, none of which I feel like elaborating on). Realize that some people are only in my life for a season and if it feels like they aren't there for me anymore, God still is. Worry less (I actually made some serious progress on this one yesterday). Get back into dancing shape. Grow with God. Go back to school. Get a new job. Let people know that I love them. That's about it, except for my writing resolutions.

2002-12-29T22:02:00.000-05:00

Personal Update. Lots of stuff has been happening lately (some of which I will not discuss since it is still very much between God and I); most of it good, some of it not. I've actually had a life in the last week. Been out with a lot of people who I haven't had the opportunity to interact with in a long while. I learned how to play Spades and have been involved in games for the last couple of nights. I've gone out a lot lately, mostly hanging out at various friends' houses. Cheap and fun, the best combination. I'm also falling back in love with dance. And asked a friend of mine to write me a straight piano piece to dance to, he wrote me something five years ago and I loved it. It was a keyboard piece, I actually sat down at his board one day and picked out all the sounds I liked. This time I just want something that's all piano, something that could be written out as sheet music so that other people could play it for me. I've been sick, but I'm at the tail end of it. All the congestion is breaking up though, which means I sound like I'm coughing up a lung about every other word. It's almost over though.

Life is good. God is good.

2002-12-24T09:28:00.000-05:00

Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers. I went to go see it last night after work. I definitely enjoyed it and now I have some awards to hand out. These are the things that the Oscars and all the official people probably wont recognize this film for. [grin] Therefore, the task falls to me. (Don't worry, I don't spoil any of the plot but most of these will make much more sense to you if you've seen the movie, a couple will make complete sense if you've also read the book. There are minor spoilers ahead though. Forewarned is forearmed.) And on to the awards.

...The Envelope Please.
*Best Mount Of A Horse Already In Motion: Legolas
*Best Manipulation Of A Daughter By Her Father: Elrond
*Best Greeting To Someone You Thought Was Dead: Legolas ("You're late. You look terrible.")
*Best "Force Your Way Through A Throne Room" (without weapons): Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli
*Best Unintentional Crushing Of A Secret Love: Aragorn
*Best Action By Someone In Love Who Hasn't Given Up Hope: Arwen
*Best Close-Range Use Of An Arrow: Legolas
*Best Description Of What Makes A Great Story So Great: Samwise Gamgee
*Best Gaggingly Sappy Moment: Frodo's (unfortunate) slip into third person

And Kudos To Peter David. For the best use of the subtle intricacies that occur when you can switch between two languages (English and Elvish), the amazing portrayal of a severely psychotically dysfunctional individual (although props must also be given to Gollum/Smeagol), the best portrayal of the despair in a last stand, the most realistic portrayal of sounds before the battle, and best use of last stand calvary against overwhelming force of infantry.

What Else? I finally realized where I had seen Viggo Mortensen before. He was the Master Chief in G.I. Jane. Of course, he looks very different as Aragorn (short hair, clean shaven and military clean vs. long hair, stubble and warrior dirty), but it explains the piercing sense of familiarity I had when I saw the first movie. Speaking of piercing sense of familiarity...David Wenham who plays Boromir's brother, Faramir looks like the Unsaid Crap Sucks Guy from Well, In My World fame. Not completely, but the shape of the eyes, and the nose and quite a bit of the facial structure in general made the world drop out from underneath me when he appeared onscreen the first time. Quite the shocker. But I'm over it now, for the most part anyway. Anything else that I have to comment on in the movie will have to wait as I need to finish getting ready for work. Oh, and I have general in my life stuff that needs commenting on as well...[grin]

2002-12-20T09:33:00.000-05:00

Good Times. I spilled broccoli and cheese soup all over my pants yesterday and ended up wearing the pants of a friend who was about to leave and had clothes to change into. Suffice to say that yesterday at work was interesting, to say the least (and not in a good way). There's this whole sexual harrassment thing that's about to come down and I'm involved (not because I'm one of the girls stuff is happening to, but because I've managed to witness a whole bunch of stuff). It's just wierd, and it's definitely time for me to get out of there. However, yesterday wasn't a bad day. Good stuff happened. And I'm happy.

2002-12-17T23:11:00.000-05:00

Sick. Ugh...my throat's swollen, and I feel like my ear canal is too. In fact, the inside of the entire left side of my head feels fat. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your view), I don't look sick, so if I feel anywhere close to normal tomorrow morning, then I'll go to work. I slept the whole day today. Woke up twice. Once to call my mother and ask her to bring me chicken noodle soup, Triscuits, and honey; the second time because my cell phone rang. I'm awake now and feeling pretty good (that would be emotionally and as a result of that phone call, rather than physically) , but it's late and I really should probably go back to bed. Ugh...I hate being sick.

2002-12-12T23:52:00.000-05:00

Quote. It would be my new away message if my AIM was working. Oh well, I'll post it here for your entertainment:
"Therapy. I haven't gone yet, but I have this killer opening monologue I've been working on for four years." - John Mayer (when asked what he thinks about when he can't get to sleep at night)

2002-12-12T10:18:00.000-05:00

Thoughts. I've decided that I can safely divide the world into two types of people: 1) People who consider me an adult and are willing to trust me with adult responsibilities and 2) People who don't consider me an adult and are not willing to trust me with adult responsibilities. That last category has two subdivisions: a) People who are upfront about the fact that I'm still a child in their eyes b) People who give lip-service to the fact that I'm an adult but their actions prove that they believe differently.

Changes. I'm writing again which is definitely a good thing. Everytime I pick up a pen these days, I wonder how I ever thought I could give it up. I might be switching jobs. I don't want to say too much about it, but hopefully I'll be doing something completely different from food service soon. I'm learning to control my active imagination when it starts to worry about various things. I haven't had any trouble getting to sleep (but I think that's more because of the muscle relaxers I've had to take at night lately- I had a nasty spasm in my back).

Remembering. This is a good thing. I'm remembering a couple of things that I had almost forgotten about who I am, who I want to be, and why I love Rochester. This is a good thing, a very good thing. Oh, and random song quote: "Today I finally overcame/Tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame/Maybe I will tell you all about it/When I'm in the mood/To lose my way but let me say/You should have seen that sunrise/With your own eyes/It brought me back to life..."