| My World...Take Two | |||
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::I am 24.2.04 ( 23:20 ) * Here I Am. I feel off and I don't know why. I've been hovering on the edge of tears for too many months now. I'm hurting and I don't feel like hiding it anymore. It's not Ron. It never has been. Praise God for giving me a man who desires to be my strength, who wants to hold me up when I'm weak, who lets me be weak with him when I'm too scared to show it to anybody else. No, it's not Ron. I'm doing that alone, hold everyone else at arms length thing again and I'm tired of it. It takes too much energy to keep all my barriers intact and I'm at a point in my life where energy is limited at best. I don't have any reserves left: Emotional, physical, financial...spiritual. I'm at my breaking point. Past it, really. I feel stripped, exhausted, bone tired. I don't feel enough and I don't know if I care. And I don't know why I started this entry at 11pm when I have to be up early tomorrow and I know I feel awful when I don't get enough sleep. Oh right, I promised to post and I finally screwed up what energy-courage I had to lay myself bare on the page. I'm in that transition place again. You think I'd be used to it by now. But I'm not. Where do I go from here? Where do I go from here? Song Of The Evening: Quiet (John Mayer) midnight lock all the doors and turn out the lights feels like the end of the world this Sunday night there's not a sound outside the snow's coming down and somehow I can't seem to find the quiet inside my mind 3:02 the space in this room has turned on me and all my fears have cornered me here me and my TV screen the volume's down blue lights are dancing around and still, I can't seem to find the quiet inside my mind daylight is climbing the walls cars start and feet walk the halls the world awakes and now I am safe at least by the light of day ::Val:: 20.2.04 ( 09:12 ) * Update Later. I promise. I've finally figured out (some of) what's going on in my head. ::Val:: 10.2.04 ( 17:43 ) * Update. I'm still alive. Still attempting to post and erasing. Lots of stuff going on here. A friend of mine (and Pip's sister) is engaged, getting married (in TX) in June and I'm in the wedding. I'm trying to hold steady in the midst of a lot of other junk going on right now. It's not always easy and not really worth it; I should learn to let go. The VSB is slowly breaking me of my habit of refusing to ask for help. No, self-reliance isn't always a good thing. And thank God that the VSB is patient even when frustrated. Anyway. I'm done for now. ::Val:: 2.2.04 ( 23:56 ) * Song Of The Moment: Seasons Of Love (from Rent) five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes how do you measure? measure a year in daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee, in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife in five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes how do you measure a year in a life? how about love? how about love? how about love? measure in love... seasons of love... seasons of love... (female soloist) five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes how do you measure the life of a woman or a man (male soloist) in truths that she learned or in times that she cried in bridges he burned or the way that she died (all) its time now to sing out though the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in a life of friends remember the love... (oh you gotta remember the love) remember the love... (oh yeah, its a gift from up above) remember the love... (sing out, give out, measure your life in looooooove...!!!) seasons of love... seasons of love... I'm still working on a "real" post, but I think this says a lot of what I'm thinking right now. ::Val:: |
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