| My World...Take Two | |||
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::I am 29.10.03 ( 22:37 ) * Happy Birthday To Me. I am 21. yay forever! I had to work all day today, but came home to spend some time with my roomie and I discovered that my step-father had built me Diego, my kick-butt new computer. yay forever! I'm rooting around on-line looking for a new desktop background; I don't have anything that seems permanent, but I have a fun CSI screensaver with Warrick Brown (Gary Dourdan) front and center on it. yay forever! I am having a good birthday, getting "I love you"s from all the people I care about, and that's what makes me happy. yay forever! Okay. I don't think I can keep this up any longer. For those of you who are wondering, I've repeated "yay forever!" four times in the last paragraph for the sole purpose of making Pip squirm, since I *know* he can hear the tone that phrase is said in...right, Pip? But now I'm done. himiny. okay, for real this time, I think I'm gonna lay down and read my book now. Maybe I'll actually get back into the habit of updating this on the reg. bye for now. I'm 21. yay forever! ::Val:: 4.10.03 ( 23:58 ) * Anti-Social. It definitely is not a word that I would have used to describe myself a couple of years ago. Now, I'm not so sure. Somewhere along the way I lost the part of myself that liked spending large quantities of time with other people. Maybe it's the stress of feeling like I have to put up a front for some people; I extended myself about things I cared about and was passionate in and got shut down. Maybe that happened one too many times. Or maybe, it's that sometimes I don't want to joke and I don't handle sarcasm well and even when I admit it, no one wants to take me at face value. I don't like being the butt of the joke. I never have. I'm tired of having to repeat myself. I don't know what happened along the way, but I misplaced my ability to keep other people out. I know this isn't always a problem, but I can't keep their emotionalness from bleeding all over me. Sometimes, I don't have the strength to keep my feelings seperate from theirs. Let's hear it for poor personal boundaries (mine). Or maybe it's too many inside jokes that I don't get and no one wants to explain. Maybe it's feeling like an outsider every time I go out. Maybe it's not wanting to deal with other people's passive-aggressive tendencies and manipulations; maybe I'm passive-aggressive and manipulative. Maybe I lost my ability to empathize and I just don't care. Maybe I'm being self-absorbed and whiny (go read someone else's blog). Maybe it's because I've been having back spasms for the last three days and they show no sign of stopping. Let's Hear It For John Mayer. Sarcastic. Quizzical. Promissory. Ironic. Searching. (That's the key for this song, New Deep.) Note: I'm not questioning God and I'm not a man, but the rest of this song fits pretty well *g* I'm so alive I'm so enlightened I can barely survive A night in my mind I've got a plan I'm gonna find out just how boring I am And have a good time Cause ever since I tried trying not to find Every little meaning in my life It's been fine I've been cool With my new golden rule Numb is the new deep Done with the old me And talk is the same cheap it's been Is there a God? Why is he waiting? Don't you think of it odd When he knows my address? And look at the stars Don't it remind you just how feeble we are? Well it used to, I guess Cause ever since I tried Trying not to find Every little meaning in my life It's been fine I've been cool With my new golden rule Numb is the new deep Done with the old me And talk is the same cheap it's been I'm a new man I wear a new cologne and You wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed I know what you'll say "This won't last longer than the rest of the day" But you're wrong this time Numb is the new deep Done with the old me I'm over the analyzing Tonight Stop trying to figure it out Deep will only bring you down You know, I used to be the back porch poet with a book of rhymes Always open knowing all the time I'm probably Never gonna find the perfect rhyme For 'heavier things' ::Val:: 3.10.03 ( 07:49 ) * Wil Wheaton agrees with me. *g* He ::hearts:: October too. ::Val:: 1.10.03 ( 23:22 ) * Finally, October. I waited up until after midinght this morning, just so I could have the satisfaction of knowing I made it through that month. I was going to post at 12:01 am, but I thought that might be obsessive...not really, I was just glad it was over. I made it through September; I'm on the other side and I only got sick once, had one breakdown and cried myself to sleep a couple of times. Yes, I count that as a triumph. No, I'm not looking for pity. This post is for me; I don't really care what anyone else thinks of it. Anyway... NaNoWriMo is open for sign-ups. My room looks like a disaster area, worse than normal. I have a headache, and I need to go eat, but...Thank God, it's October. ::Val:: |
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