| My World...Take Two | |||
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::I am 27.8.03 ( 07:56 ) * To Friendship Restored. I went out last night with an old friend; I categorize them as "old" only because we used to know every detail about each other's lives and then we drifted apart, didn't know anything real about each other for a very long time. Hopefully, that's changing. They're one of my favorite people and I miss having the conversations we used to have...they were "interesting", to say the least. Anyway, last night we talked. It was one of those giant arching conversations that manages to cover a lot of topics, some big, some little, but all dealing with who we were, who we are, and who we're becoming. It was a good night. Anyway, one of the things I discussed was compromise. For far too long, I've let pieces of myself die. I've allowed myself to let other people declare that my essentials are inconsequential. I'm tired of that feeling. I'm tired of going to bed and realizing that I've killed another part of who I am. It's not going to happen anymore. I'm me and I'm not going to apologize for it anymore. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say. I know it will come up again at a later point, so I'm not exactly worried about getting it all right now. ::sigh:: ::Val:: 15.8.03 ( 17:12 ) * Hehe.  Fight Club! What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!) brought to you by Quizilla ::Val:: 8.8.03 ( 00:32 ) * How Am I? I've had people (friends who expect more than a flippant answer) asking me that for the last week. And I don't really know how to answer that because, honestly, there's so much crap going on right now that I don't know where to start. There's also the truth that some people who ask me how I'm doing have no right to a real answer on *any* topic about my well-being. They ask me out of a sense of duty and get hurt when I play word games, but that's how it is when you're a lukewarm friend. I have enough issues just trying to get the words out; I'm not going to waste them on someone who left me when I needed them, and ignored me when I tried to open myself to them. I'm tired and it hurts and I'm not going to let people walk on me like that anymore. I'm not going to do that. Meanwhile, I love the VSB. And he loves me. Good things. But I have to bring up a lot of family issues that I try my best to pretend never happened and I'm scared about it. I know he loves me, he wants to marry me, I'd never doubt him. However, there's this little niggling voice telling me that I'm carrying entirely too much baggage and it's not fair to him. I know he loves me. I know it. And I love him. But I'm so screwed up and he's got to know about *everything*. A friend mentioned that I haven't done any in-depth blogging in awhile. My blog exists for me and me only. If someone else reads it, great for them, but I don't care. I'm happy with what I've posted. For once, I actually know who I am and I'm content. I'm content living in this city and being with my VSB and writing and being true to me. And part of me means that I babble. It's not nonsense and it's not superficial; the stuff I ramble about cuts through everything that I am, it's like a slice of me laying on the page. And if you don't or can't read between the words, {shrug} it's not my problem. (I'd like to point out that this paragraph wasn't actually directed at that person; you just happened to trigger that train of thought). The song I posted a couple of days ago (it's by Lauryn Hill, I forgot to mention that) is still very true. ::Val:: 3.8.03 ( 14:38 ) * Last Day. Today is my last day at Ruby Tuesday. It's kind of weird to be leaving. I've been there for two years and it was my first *real* job. But I'm happy too. I don't like working in food service and that isn't something that's going to change. ::Val:: ( 00:17 ) * Revelations. People aren't always who they appear to be or who you believe they are. Learned some interesting things about a few writers (from the Forward Motion site I frequent) today. It was one of those times I wish I had that mind eraser pen thing from Men In Black. I'd especially like to erase one particular bit of knowledge. Not sure what to say right now. Except this whole appearances/reality issue holds true in more areas of my life than just on-line. ::Val:: 1.8.03 ( 01:01 ) * Just Want You Around. I just want You around I just want You around I just want You around I just want You around Thought that I had lost You I can hardly make a sound When I thought I couldn't hold You Knew the world had let me down Should have took the time to tell You You keep my feet on the ground I hope that You can hear me Cause I know its not profound I just want You around I just need You around I just want You around I just need You around When I thought I was without You I got used to being down It was my fault I used to doubt You But that aint me next time around Please believe me when I tell You Cause all my words are bound This is my cross now let me bare it I was lost but now I'm found-found-found I just want You around I just need You around I just want You around I just need You around Took this love for granted Kept my feelings underground Should have watered what I planted Should have known what I have found I'm not used to being lonely I don't like the way it sounds You're the only one I know-yeah Who don't turn my upside-down I just want You around I just need You around I just want You around I just need You around Yeah I want You around I just need You around ....... ::Val:: |
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