| My World...Take Two | |||
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::I am 22.9.02 ( 23:34 ) * Wierd, Scared Little Me. I thought for a long time that I was supposed to be doing something other than what I am doing, but now I am lead to believe that my former thinking was the product of a gigantic funk I have only recently snapped out of. I am inclined to wig out about random events in my life (the wife of our children's pastor leaving a message on our machine that she has an important question to ask me, for example) laying out contingency plan for every possible (but highly improbable) thing that might occur. I convince myself that I am thinking out my options and being prepared, but really all I do is stress myself out to the point that I can't sleep, can't eat and barely function as a human being. I erect elaborate barriers to keep people from getting too close to the "real me"--barriers that are designed to make them think they are catching more than fleeting glimpses of who I am. I build them out of elaborate half-truths and statements that sound like I'm revealing something when I'm really not. I tell myself that I'm protecting myself from getting hurt but really I am hurting myself by not letting anyone get past my defenses...and I wonder why I feel so lonely sometimes. The barriers though...they've really gotten out of control. Someone asks me a simple question and I can't say what I really think. It always has to be shrouded by something that sounds good but doesn't really answer the question at all. I do this even with the people I consider closest to me, the people I feel that I can really trust (yes, the whole handful of them). It used to be about survival, about protecting myself from the people who had hurt me...but now it's the way I exist--like those people with agoraphobia (an abnormal fear of open places) I don't feel safe unless my walls are completely surrounding me. And that's no way to live. Skip's brought up her theory that my stated "I don't read between the lines" policy with guys is really just a way for me to keep from dealing with different things--an issue that leads back to my myriad of trust issues and my inability to deal with my own feelings. I think you're right, Skip--and I only realize your rightness because of some (not entirely) unpleasant truths that smacked me in the face during my plane ride to Salinas. However, I think that's all the opening up I'm going to do tonight (considering you all don't have any specifics and I was just about to start divulging all the nitty-gritty details, I think this a good place to stop...and yes, I am forcing myself not to delete this entire post--even though it's not really all that revealing at all) ::Val:: 18.9.02 ( 23:35 ) * My Grandmother Just Died. Peacefully, surrounded by people who loved her and with no unfinished business (she even planned out her "homegoing" and left the instructions with the Pastor). I hope that my death is like this--my life giving testimony to the woman I was... (For Once) No Regrets. I got to see Grammi to say goodbye. I don't even regret coming home yesterday...even though in a couple of days I'll be back on a plane (to Kentucky this time) for the funeral. Maybe this death will be one I actually deal with...I think it will be. ::Val:: 12.9.02 ( 10:52 ) * Opening Doors, Part Two. So, my September 11th was quite different from what I planned. Instead of listening to Mozart's Requiem as a remembrance for those who died, I found myself on a flight to San Jose, CA. My grandmother (my Dad's mom) is dying. I cried and I'm learning to live with the emotions I'm feeling rather than just shutting them away. Life yesterday (and today) consists of scrabble games (the official Pritchett family pastime), family genealogy (my Uncle Norm's obsessive hobby--something I think I'm about to get hooked on as well), chocolate and "comforting ice cream". I don't have much else to say, but will continue to post as events warrant. I think I'm going to let Well, In My World slide for a bit of time. Considering it's the family blog and I'm not entirely sure what I might like them to read. Well, time to get started on my day (it's three hours earlier on the West Coast). ::Val:: 4.9.02 ( 22:27 ) * Taking A Raincheck. I was about to blog tonight about loneliness and how I wallow in it sometimes and about asking for help and how hard it is for me. I opened up Blogger and even started typing some words into the "post" section. And then I stopped. Because what I'm feeling and thinking right now I don't really feel like airing to the world at this particular moment. Maybe later when just thinking about those two topics doesn't make me want to start crying...but not now. You may wonder why I even bothered saying anything at all; I could not have blogged, closed my browser and no one would have been the wiser. And to tell the truth, I have no idea why I'm even writing this right now. I guess it's just part of trying to ge those doors to open just a crack... ...Any way, I'm done now and I leave you with this quote from John Reuben: Breathe in (breathe in), breathe out (breathe out), see I'm tired of holding my breath... ::Val:: |
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