| My World...Take Two | |||
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::I am 31.8.02 ( 23:19 ) * Opening Doors...At Least, I'm Trying. Kate (from The Diary Of Nanny Kate) has started another blog. The absolutely amazing thing about this blog is how open she is. One of her first entries discusses the suicide of one of her dear friends nine years ago. Her entry today discusses September 11th. Kate lets herself feel...why can't I? I made a small step yesterday though. I took off September 11th. I haven't completely closed the door on the grief I felt on that day, so I think that's the best way to start. I've made plans to attend a performance of Mozart's Requiem (his Mass for the Dead) which will start exactly a year to the minute after the first plane hit the World Trade Center. I have no idea what I'll do for the rest of the day but I will allow myself to grieve. Not only for the first anniversary of a national tragedy but because it's the fourth year my grandfather's birthday has passed since he died. I think "allow" is the key word there. I'm setting aside a day and letting myself know that it is okay to feel this way. It isn't a bad thing. And even though I'm pretty sure that my rooms won't be dismantled in a day, maybe a couple of those doors I've slammed shut will crack open just a little... ::Val:: 29.8.02 ( 21:12 ) * More About Compartmentalization. Skip wrote an essay about me for her "Death and Dying" class for school. She interviewed me regarding my grandfather's death three years ago. I didn't realize until after I read the paper (she got an "A", by the way) how marvelously screwed up me shoving various emotions into various rooms and shutting the doors sounds on paper. It is kind of scary really. It is a very logical process in my head, but I sound really messed up on paper. Skip's teacher thinks so too...She believes that my tendency to box off my emotions will affect my ability to carry out an intimate relationship. Oh really? Isn't that odd? I thought I was emotionally stable enough to be a part of an effective, meaningful relationship! You mean, I'm not? Oh, the horror! [as the room falls silent, you hear the steady drip-drip of sarcasm coming from the ceiling] ::Val:: 24.8.02 ( 00:22 ) * I talk to myself a lot. I'll carry on entire conversations with myself (about the various choices I have made or am planning on making) while staring in the bathroom mirror. I'm not entirely sure why this is. I keep up a steady stream of narrative in my head of what I am doing, why I am doing it, et cetera. Occasionally, when I'm concentrating on something else, my mouth opens and my narration is audible. This causes me some weird looks from my co-workers but I'm doing a pretty good job of shrugging it off as (yet another) one of my queer, little quirks. I do know this though--talking to myself keeps me from feeling lonely. Maybe that's why I do it. ::Val:: 21.8.02 ( 09:20 ) * I am a master of compartmentalization. It is kind of sad really. It is like my mind is a series of rooms and the information held in one is completely separate from the information held in the others. I don't think this is an entirely healthy way to live. Because one day, something is going to happen that's going to cause all the doors and walls of all these different rooms to collapse and everything that was supposed to be kept separate is going to mix together. And I am going to be one seriously screwed up girl with a whole lot of issues to work through. ::Val:: 20.8.02 ( 09:25 ) * Hi! It is I, ValMarie. I'm escaping from my original blog, Well, In My World, because my various family members check it on a regular basis so I can't always say everything I want to say. I can't really complain though because having a way my father could regulary see what's going on in my life was the original reason for the blog. Meanwhile, I'm noticing that there is stuff I would like to post but would prefer my father and other family members not to see. Namely, stuff concerning them. Hence, My World...Take Two ::Val:: |
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